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Day 84

"Scarred for Life"

I'm still waiting to begin therapy, but the VA appointment was over a month out. I've had therapy in the past with non-VA, and it was a unimaginable nightmare. The drugs they put me on made me extremely suicidal.

I'm feeling a little excited, but I'm also quite frightened. Clearly, I've had some traumatic emotional childhood, military, college and work/life experiences that have destroyed my ability to enjoy life with others. I could quite possibly have a case of extreme PTSD combined with ADD/ADHD combined with some childhood emotional abuse and some physically violent family episodes.

Between my older brother and father alone, as a child I wanted to run away, always. I hated my parents. I loathed my brother who constantly wanted to harm me; he almost strangled me to death when I was around 13-14 years old. My childhood consisted of constantly avoiding my brother. Most days as a child, I locked my bedroom door, crawled out the window, and would walk through the woods until nobody could find me so that I wasn't near my hating ignorant brother. Sometimes I would walk to a friend's house, but most times I would sit there staring... hating life.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    6 months ago

    Is this sharing helping you? I hope so; even though we are all complete strangers here, we really do listen to one another and grow to care. I'm on a good path right now, but when I started here several years ago, I was essentially starting from scratch. Keep on writing, please!

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  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    6 months ago

    I started writing on this site about 2 years ago. It was recommended by the Suicide Hotline website to write. It is helping, especially the feedback from wonderful kind people like you. When I started writing, I was a complete mental mess. I'm not much better now. But, hopefully therapy and group session starting soon will help. The PTSD is off the charts for me, and it forces me to simply avoid humans.

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