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Day 123

A Journey to Find Zen

I am a planner. I like to make schedules, though I am flexible with them. I prefer to have a guideline to how my day /could/ go, even if I don't follow it.

Lists are my favorite things in the universe, and I will make lists for everything from things to pack, things to do, what I'll be cooking for the week, etc - I have a journal full of them!

I also know where every single penny I make goes, and I track it all on a fancy budget I created on Excel.

Basically, I like to have full control of my life and at least have an idea of what is going on and what needs to be done at all times. All. Times. I'm a control freak, and I'm well aware of it. I like to stay busy, but I know it hasn't been good for my mental or physical health.

I'd love to get back into yoga, but the studios around me are expensive or only operate hours I'm at work... I've tried at-home videos, but my form is so terrible that I end up more frustrated without guidance. Back to the drawing board I guess...

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  • runcicle runcicle
    7 weeks ago

    One's greatest strength is also one's greatest weakness.

    One's greatest weakness is also one's greatest strength.

    Your strength is your ability and devotion to control your life. You will never be bankrupt. Life goes in the direction you've planned. Many jobs require and value greatly this ability. People look to you to be a rock in a sea of troubles - which you have been and it has worked.

    Your weakness is that you have to be in control. If it's not on the list you get anxious. People get frustrated that you can't be flexible.

    Strength and weakness. Your concern is that the balance is not balanced.

    You need to seek why you need to be in control. The answer lies in childhood; maybe parents; maybe circumstances..
    Then you can adjust the balance.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    7 weeks ago

    Otter, I think you should just go for it: it doesn't really matter if your form is terrible (and I know I'm probably writing to a perfectionist), but just find your daily joy, and if it be yoga, go for it, even if your form is terrible. Find your daily release, and just do it, even if you suck. I try to sit down with my guitar, 'Lizbeth, every day. I'm no good at it, but each day I make a little bit more progress, and that's enough....

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  • Otter Otter
    6 weeks ago

    Runcicle - I believe my need for control comes from having been a homeschooled only-child trapped in my house with my mother until I was 23, mostly silent because she talks so much and never gave me a chance to express my own thoughts. Though both she and my father encouraged me to be whoever I wanted to be - even when it was a bit different than them. So, when I moved out for college and finally had the reins to be on my own, I began holding them taut - as though Mom might try to snatch them from me at any moment. Like if I don't have at least a plan for every moment, they may try to "suggest" a plan on my behalf. I don't always follow my own plan, and I am flexible most of the time, but I always have one.

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  • Otter Otter
    6 weeks ago

    Rav - You make an excellent point. I do worry that I might hurt myself with improper form, but if I feel pain I can always stop and try a different pose.

    Advice Rating:

  • Bettedavis Bettedavis
    6 weeks ago

    Yes Control relates to Childhood.
    I am very much the same
    Controlled by Parents
    Need to control my adult life and others.
    Really difficult to let go
    I am learning as I get older
    A total feel of being unbalanced is really difficult when letting go.....

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