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Day 233

Dear Grandad,

I wonder if you ever felt you lost your mind. I mean really, really, lost it.

I had previously had my head so tightly gripped, but reality slipped from me and was twisted in talons of people out to confuse and terrify me. I wonder if they knew how dark my would wander. I wonder if they would change if they knew.

I wonder if you ever questioned yourself because of somebody else. I wonder if you thought you wanted one thing, craved it for years and then when you finally got it, realized it'd changed beyond what you expected it to be. Maybe this isn't the version you hungered for. Did you have carry life on, starved of the love this memory gave you?

I feel like that, sometimes. I feel like things have changed inordinately and I'm never going to be able to speak to the one I remember. I only remember the good in them-did I forget the dismissal? Did I forget not being acknowledged? It felt so familiar yet I don't remember it all that well. Perhaps rose-coloured lights have dimmed dark corners, shining only on what I loved. Not what I loathed.

I wonder, did you ever feel this?

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