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Day 245

Dear Grandad,

Jeez.

Did you ever wish you could combine the good personality traits of one person with the soul of another?

I feel torn. I had kind of accepted that I'm moving away and there's nothing but a platonic nature between Chris and I, because I'm going to Spain - so why do I get moments where I'm almost...almost... Willing to give up Spain just to stay in the same country as him?

I don't know, it seems like I'm nearing to pressing my own self-destruct button again. Whenever I get romantically involved with him I end up torturing myself: either I can't trust him, or I drive myself mad wondering where he is when he doesn't answer texts, or I wonder if he's gotten wiser with his phone and what he deletes? Or I drive him away, which seems to be the most common thing - I end up driving him away and into the arms of somebody else.

That's my charm, my bottom line - it's what happens with everyone. I drive them to somebody else.

I have this impulsive nature to do self-destructive things. All I need right now is a good cuddle in my Mel-nest on my bed.

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