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Day 176

Failure

I had given up alcohol for Lent as penance, and for a while I was going strong. But yesterday's challenges got to me, and before I knew it I had a six-pack and drank 5 of them down in a flash. I'd tried resisting at first with distraction - I went to the library and walked around the books for solace, I let Pita roam around the apartment at her leisure and snuggled up with her on her heating pad we leave out for her, I downloaded books and tried my damndest to read. Yet, I still ended up downing 5 beers too quickly to shut-up my nagging thoughts.

I have a splitting headache this morning because I hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday, and I'd forgotten to drink water before bed. Things that just amplify the effects of the hangover. I'm taking the pain as penance for...well...breaking my penance. I'm glad I always carry a plastic bag with me, because I vomited into it while walking into my work building. I'm sure I scared some people who saw me...

I have failed as a Catholic, again, but I am going to stand back up and finish the Lenten season strong.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    3 weeks ago

    In Judaism, we also have the concept of "sin," but it has a different connotation: it has the same root as the word that describes when you aim for a target and miss. When we commit sins, we understand it not as a failure of our intentions (we were aiming at a target, after all), but of execution. Be gentle with yourself, Otter: times are tough.

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  • Otter Otter
    3 weeks ago

    Thanks for that, Rav. I've always set the bar for myself pretty high, and when I can't reach it, my thoughts punish me and beat me down. I've since stood up again, and I'm trying to learn to be more kind to myself.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    3 weeks ago

    and improve your aim, okay?

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  • Befalus Befalus
    3 weeks ago

    Exactly what Rav said, Otter. If we set the expectations too high to begin with, you are setting yourself to fail. Because who can jump that high straight away, first go?
    Climbing stairs or walking up a hill is always a brilliant way of looking at it. The goals may seem small, but over time they get you up to the top and the journey feels pretty damn good.
    This is also not a criticism, but just a point - if there hasn't been so much stress on the sun, on the not doing, would you have been able to maybe just enjoy a beer instead of having to drink 5? Is it the fact that you told yourself NO and then broke that you then went a little wild?
    Be kind to yourself. I don't follow a religion but I do believe if there is a God then they must be a benevolent one - if we are all a God's creation they must understand the struggles we all go through, and understand that sometimes there are little misteps. Life is learning and growing from mistakes.
    Sending you lots of love and positivity, Otter. Sorry about my ramblings xx

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  • Otter Otter
    14 days ago

    Thanks for your kind words, Befalus.

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