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Day 22

Feeling Like Dirt Again

I've fought anorexia for two years. It was worse when it first started, but has gotten less serious with Honeybun's help. Now, every month or so I will become disgusted with myself and go without breakfast or lunch for a week. I keep it hidden, and it's usually about a week before Honeybun notices and talks me out of it.

I know I'm not overweight. But my stomach isn't flat like our friends, I'm not slender, and my ass is too flat. Every time I tell Honeybun that I feel hideous, he reminds me that he has never cared about appearances, that he loves me for who I am on the inside - that's what counts. But I look at him, and he's so damn handsome and strong without even trying.

I feel so pitiful for getting emotional about him not finding me attractive. He loves me for who I am, not what I look like, and isn't that the dream? He's so respectful, loving, and kind, and his eye never wanders from me, so why do I do this to myself? Why do I cry when he doesn't notice I've put on makeup or dressed up? Over things so small/meaningless?

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