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Day 71

Gay in 2017 #SuchGoodTimes

I get frustrated often because it seems everyone I know is brainwashed, ignorant and self-involved, including many friends I consider family. MOST if not all of my problems have stemmed from reacting faster & smarter to stimuli than most other people. I really wish I could get tested for free. Almost 50yrs old, and doctors tell me that my biggest concern is learning how to relax. I have consistently outperformed and outworked every single person next to me my entire career, but I’ve never learned how to slow down. I never learned how to STOP being defensive regarding my performance. And, my wiser and older self is understanding that most of that stems from my upbringing in an extremely stressful world with circumstances and hardships greater than many others competing with me along the way. Of course, it didn’t help that I absolutely loathed most of my childhood and pretended to be happy when I wasn’t more often and for longer than I should have. I had nobody to talk to for 29 years about me and my life questions.

But, as I approach my later years true honesty with myself is making my stressed stomach hurt less.

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  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    24 months ago

    I always wondered all my life why I never really clicked with anyone. I’ve never had a best friend. I didn’t even share secrets with a best friend I did have in grade school. It’s sad, and every other gay guy I’ve met has experienced an equally IDENTICAL stressful life. We all lived very lonely painful childhoods. We all lived two lives. Most of us had an alcoholic parent and/or a strong religiously influenced parent. Most of us came from trailer trash families. Most of us work retail and service jobs because nobody will take those with skills seriously, especially if they don’t meet the requirements of straight people’s description of a ‘man’. Most of us work harder and longer than our straight counterparts and with a smile even. Most of us, if not all, are NOT speaking much to many family members because it’s long overdue. We are done being treated like injured Vietnam military veterans. Growing up gay (even if closeted 100%) causes PTSD due to societal denial and unacceptance. Basically, the LGBTQ community are told that we act “crazy” because straight people have made us act that way as a result of their negative, racist, hurtful, painful, hateful prejudices & attitudes that their parents taught them, probably in church.

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