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Day 775

Guilt

This massive guilt about my poor mother is the first thing that hits me every morning. I carry my guilt about with me all day, hunched on my shoulders. If I’m happy I suddenly remember, and I know I shouldn’t be. We still haven’t told Ma of the terrible plan to move her to a home. I have agreed with James and Teddy that we will talk to her on February 17th. She will move in the middle of March. I am seeing the deputy manager of the home on Thursday morning to discuss in more detail what needs to be done. I am appalled by myself. The great betrayal of my beautiful, long-suffering mother. I will make her suffer more and she will decline. She has been so brave and weathered so much just living with us. I am now asking her to endure yet more and on her own. I will visit her, but most of the time she will be alone.

Teddy said he would bring her to his home once a month. Amazing. This made me feel much better. James was more reluctant to commit to this. Shame on him, for his mother, once a month.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    7 weeks ago

    I hope my children fret about me when I'm in your mom's state..... won't there be other people (fellow residents, attendants, etc.) who will be there as well?

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  • George Smith George Smith
    7 weeks ago

    You are right - she won't be alone, but my mother doesn't socialise easily. Her speech is difficult, she is German and she by nature she prefers to keep to herself. She finds any questions about her personal life as offensive. This will make it extremely difficult for her to make friends. I know it will be terrible for her. I wish with all my heart that my brothers would help out more and I can't believe that James won't commit to having her one weekend a month. I believe a lot of my resentment is to do with the fact that I feel alone in my care for her. My brothers are not supportive. And then of course there is my husband who has had enough. It will have been two and a half years in March. See how I need to justify myself. Terrible.

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  • Otter Otter
    7 weeks ago

    Your mother is lucky to have a daughter who is so concerned for her happiness, even when you feel like it's all too much. Please be sure to take care of yourself, George. Your happiness and relationships are important too! I'm sure it's a difficult time, but maybe your mom will enjoy it there more than you think! You can all visit her as much as you wish, and she'll have more "her" time which, if she's as solitary as you say, she may appreciate. With visits and occasional outings, she may feel more at ease. I'm sure there will be a change in your relationship with her as well for the better.

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  • George Smith George Smith
    7 weeks ago

    Thank you, Otter. And, yes, it has crossed my mind that after a while she might enjoy the peace of the place more than being here with my rude family. I find it perpetually worrying the way everyone talks in front of her. She has never been exposed in such a way and she is too old and fragile to have it all dumped on her now. So, yes, I hope that she might be glad of her own space and quiet. How good it would be to be happier together. ... I went to have a look at the home this afternoon and was reassured it is the best place available for her - like a hotel for old people with a ratio of 2 to 1 in terms of staff to residents. She'll be well looked after.

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  • Otter Otter
    7 weeks ago

    That's lovely, George! The home sounds like it will be perfect for her. A 2:1 ratio of staff to residents is amazing. Are residents allowed to decorate their rooms as they wish? A friend of mine's mom is in a similar home, and whenever she visits she brings a new picture of family members to hang on the wall, a book, and a home-cooked meal. :)

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  • George Smith George Smith
    7 weeks ago

    Those are good ideas... I'll see what I can do. They are able to decorate their rooms so I'll bring all the pictures that are in her bedroom now and hang them in the new room and I'll make sure she has comfortable and good furniture to make it a little less institutionalised. You are so lovely Otter - thank you for your support. xx

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