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Day 598

Hate

I really hate having to look after Ma. With all my heart I wish that she was not here. I don’t like the way that she smells, the way that she looks, her small fragile state. I hate it all: her dependence, all her needs, every small detail of her life: I have to look after everything for her. It’s the worst sentence I have been given in my life. And I see no end to it. How many years will she be with me, weighing me down, watching me, suffocating me? How many years must I endure her? Will no one help me? My brothers don’t even give up a day of work to be with her. Not one day. It is incredible. Teddy has a swish new car. He hasn’t thanked Ma for it. I doubt he even thinks of her as he drives about in it. But she notices it. Says it’s very plush. Bought with her money. None of my brothers feel any due to her. I find it so odd that they feel no obligation, no loyalty, no real love. I don’t understand how they can be so negligent and be content with themselves.

Show Comments (4)

  • Bettedavis Bettedavis
    4 months ago

    I feel your pain George
    I know your feelings
    But believe me when she is gone you will miss her every day , I so wish I had Mum here, I pass her old place often and cry, wish I could call in have a cup of tea , a chat sad so sad old age but we will all be there 1 day x

  • White Dog White Dog
    4 months ago

    Somewhere deep inside I think that seeing our parents grow old reminds us of what will happen to us one day. Seeing the physical breakdown and possibly increased mental incapacity, the frustration at not being capable of self care and independent living reminds us of what will be and so we feel revulsion at what we will become.

    It must be frustrating to be the main carer for your mother, especially now that your children are grown and you were perhaps hoping for some time for you. xx

    Advice Rating:

  • George Smith George Smith
    4 months ago

    ... yes, it does scare me - that's the direction we are all going in and knowing I must not do this to my children. And, yes, the complete break down and dependency is daunting. I have immense guilt and I know I am cruel and unkind to say these things, but I just need to get it out of my system now and then. I also feel immense compassion and sorrow for my mother. I can see how terrible it is for her, much more so than for me.
    And you are right, I was looking forward to more freedom, but I do see that it is also well timed and I do have the time now for my mother and it is right that I give it to her. She does deserve it, there's no doubt.
    I am extremely lucky in Owl. I can talk to him and he reasons with me gently, saying what I say to myself - the reasoning bit of me: that my brothers really aren't in a position to help more than they do, I cannot expect more from my sisters in laws, this is how it is so I must accept it and it isn't so bad anyway. That's true. My mother is a good person in trouble and I am very lucky to have the support I do at home from my own family.
    Thank you for your kindness White Dog and Bettedavis and TreasureHiding. xx

    Advice Rating:

  • Bettedavis Bettedavis
    4 months ago

    You are a Star George x

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