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Day 652

Home again

It’s always difficult adjusting to Ma again when she or I have been away. I realise how free it is without her. Just now she wanted to take off her shirt and give it to me to wash. I don’t want her to get undressed in front of me. She is always trying to do it, almost every night when I see her to her room she starts undressing. It makes me angry. I don’t want that level of intimacy. This is cruel, I know. She has no intimacy with anyone now. I understand. Quickly I kissed her on the cheek and told her to put her shirt in the wash bag as I skipped out the door and closed it quickly behind me. I feel terribly guilty and she will be feeling terribly alone. She wanted me to repair her trousers saying they didn’t need to be washed first. No thanks.

We were watching a really boring film that had her gripped and confused in equal measure. I feel she would watch anything, for the companionship of watching. I stopped at 10, having watched with her for an hour. It’s been so good not having to watch TV withher.

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