I'm scared again
My nose hurts. My whole face hurts. My heart aches. My entire ribcage aches. I guess that's a side effect from violently sobbing into my pillow for nearly 4 hours.
I feel so alone. I don't have anyone to give me a hug that'll last an hour. I don't have any fingers to stroke through my hair or a voice to tell me that things will be okay. I can't listen to a heartbeat that isn't my own.
I've started using the book I was going to leave behind when I took my life, again. I'm not saying I'm going to, I just find it's the best place to put down my pain, just in case one day I snap and end everything so I don't have to feel this any more.
I remember when I first tried telling my mum I was suicidal, she called me a drama queen. She calls me the same thing every time I've tried to tell her that I'm scared of my thoughts sometimes. She once said to me that she thinks I like being depressed - I felt like jumping out the window of the 2 storey Chinese place we were eating in.
I'm scared again.