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Day 289

I'm scared again

My nose hurts. My whole face hurts. My heart aches. My entire ribcage aches. I guess that's a side effect from violently sobbing into my pillow for nearly 4 hours.

I feel so alone. I don't have anyone to give me a hug that'll last an hour. I don't have any fingers to stroke through my hair or a voice to tell me that things will be okay. I can't listen to a heartbeat that isn't my own.

I've started using the book I was going to leave behind when I took my life, again. I'm not saying I'm going to, I just find it's the best place to put down my pain, just in case one day I snap and end everything so I don't have to feel this any more.

I remember when I first tried telling my mum I was suicidal, she called me a drama queen. She calls me the same thing every time I've tried to tell her that I'm scared of my thoughts sometimes. She once said to me that she thinks I like being depressed - I felt like jumping out the window of the 2 storey Chinese place we were eating in.

I'm scared again.

Show Comments (1)

  • Otter Otter
    4 weeks ago

    Please keep writing here, Savannah. Even when it seems pointless. We all need to vent so the negative thoughts don't sit in our minds and fester. You're not alone. I feel like we all are here for each other in this space. I love that there is no judgement here, no animosity; just acceptance, support, and virtual hugs.

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