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Day 24

Jealousy is a Nasty Thing

I think I should stay off of Facebook for a while. Whenever I log in, all I see are my beautiful friends and gorgeous family members off on their lavish vacations and perfect lives. I know that what's posted to social media is only one side of the story, that nobody posts about the rough things they're going through, yet it still seems to be poisoning me. Even the advertisements hurt: "Get a Summer body with this new product!", "10 Ways to Banish Your Muffin Top!", "How to reduce under-chin fat!" (I wasn't self-conscious about my under-chin before, but now I am... thanks, internet!)

I despise my whole "Woe is Me" attitude, yet I can't find my way out. I feel horrible for Honeybun, because I simultaneously want him to make me feel special and pull me out of this hole (pitiful and selfish of me) and be a damn independent woman and get myself out of the hole. I want him to compliment me, but I don't want to have to /ask/ him to compliment me, and I simultaneously want to not need compliments anyway.

I am a mess, and I am so fortunate that he loves me anyway.

Show Comments (3)

  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    4 months ago

    Maybe try writing down all the reasons for your attitude? Then start crossing off each one that isn't the real reason you're upset. It might surprise you?

    Much love to you xo as many of us are experiencing similar symptoms.

    Advice Rating:

  • Otter Otter
    4 months ago

    Thanks, SpreadZero. I am taking your advice, and I think I've narrowed it down to Honeybun's DWI charge. He made a stupid mistake a year ago, and it's hung over our heads ever since. He has grown since then and no longer lets his drinking get out of control. Yet now I have to constantly justify my relationship with him to my parents who previously LOVED him. Every week I feel like I have to explain my relationship so that my family will leave us alone. My father is constantly telling me that Honeybun has to "prove himself" to him, when he has already proved himself to me. Now I have to constantly defend him from my parents and hold him up because the whole case has worn him down so much. He can't find decent work until all this shit is over and his charge is cleared (it shows up on his background check as "pending" so everyone turns him down), and he can't go to school until he finds decent work.

    In the meantime I'm having to carry his share of the bills and keep his spirits up. It's just been so long now, and I'm starting to wear thin too, and I'd love to get encouragement once instead of always being the one doing the encouraging.

    I would so love to feel seen, appreciated, and worthy, because right now I feel a bit taken for granted. I would love for the two of us to be able to live our life in peace without having to justify it to anyone. He's carried me through some shitty storms in my life, and so I'm more than happy to return the favor (that's what love is, right?), but I'm ready for all this drama to be over so we can start chasing our dreams again.

    Advice Rating:

  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    4 months ago

    Babysteps.

    You're super smart which is why your mind is reviewing EVERYTHING not perfect in your life. And, if you're a perfectionist like me, it probably feels even worse.

    Tell him to go to the unemployment office or website. They will help him. You've got this, and tell him he can do this. It's a bump in the road, not a life sentence.

    Ps. Distance yourself for a few months from toxic family or friends; they only make it worse.

    Much love to you both xo

    Advice Rating:

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