I figured it out today... Why I’m having a hard time letting go.
Everyone tells me the same thing... take a step back, give it time, his recovery is his responsibility not mine, let go before it damages me any further. And I know all this intellectually. But emotionally it’s been impossible.
But here’s the thing... Getting to know this man, laughing with him, learning his eccentricities, matching wits with him, discovering his layers, feeling his enthusiasm and passion for life and for his music, soothing his hurts, the long journey we had just started... those months were the happiest I’ve ever been. I wasn’t just in a good mood, it was like there was a glow on everything. Even horrible days could be smiled through.
I know I had put him on a pedestal, we all do that to some extent when we fall in love. And I knew it wouldn’t last. But he’s not just stepping down from it, he’s taking a flying swan dive. He’s drinking when he knows he shouldn’t, withholding information from me about visitors, disregarding my feelings... he’s a different person.
We are no longer us. So why can’t I let go?