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Day 739

Love and hate

Ma is losing her way. Her hearing is getting worse so I must get that fixed. More importantly her approach to life hasn’t changed since her operation. She still struggles to get out of bed, to find the motivation to take any exercise, to watch TV alone …. To want to live. ‘I wish I could just disappear,’ she said this evening. I understand and I wish it wasn’t so.

I find myself utterly divided. I love her more and more. I take her hand, I see her need, I feel her sadness. I know she wants me by her side always, she is utterly dependent, utterly sad and lonely. I need her too. I see that. I need to look after her. She’s my mother and she was the best mother I could have had. I love her.

And yet she will be leaving, that’s the plan. In a year. James will take control. She will be two hours drive away and looked after by strangers, and a very stressed James when he can make the time. He will suffer as I have suffered. He will hate me even more.
And Ma will hate me.

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