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Day 586

Ma reflects on Dad

James told me that he had found a diary of Ma’s and letters between her and Dad. He’d read the diary which was purely factual. Maybe just as well, James was getting together with Circe then and Ma wasn’t keen. Ma told James she didn’t want to have it or the letters. He could get rid of them.

I asked her this morning how she felt about Dad now. She said, ‘He didn’t want me. He only wanted to talk to Astrid.’ I said, ‘It wasn’t always like that. Astrid was a positive force and he needed someone to pick him up. Don’t forget the good times. Do you feel you could have done anything differently?’ ‘No’. ‘You were true to yourself?’ ‘Yes’. ‘Then you have nothing to regret. You were fulfilling your destiny,' I say neatly. She scoffs at that. Too simple. But I mean it. ‘He wanted to leave me many times’, she says.‘Why didn’t he?’ ‘It was too difficult.’ Too much to lose. Sounds familiar.

'I dream of him like that now. Bad memories comes back in the night.' I am sorry.

Recently, Ma and I are getting along better. She has become my purpose.

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