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Day 659

Marked For Life: Will I Ever Be "Whole" Again?

According to my "wrist list," I have 21 more doses of bicalutamide remaining. According to the doctors, after a few months, my testosterone levels should return to "normal."

And with that, the hot flashes should disappear.
And my bladder will be less insistent.
And my muscles will stop hurting
And my bones will heal completely.
And the hair will start growing on my chest.
And I should lose about ten pounds.
And when I wank, something will come out.

All this is what should happen, undoing the damage from the previous 6 months of treatment. I will, I suppose, be "whole" again.

But I know I won't. I know I'll be "marked for life" with this disease, which may return. To make sure it doesn't, I'll have to check in with my doctors every 6 months, so they can take my blood and check for a "marker" that will tell them if the cancer is truly gone.

And maybe it will be. Maybe there will be no relapses, and all this will be a memory: of laying on a table while a machine moves over me, of waking up dark at night drenched in sweat. Of limping up and down the stairs.

But I'll still be "marked for life."

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