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Day 809

Marriage

Beloved’s back on the war path. It didn’t take long. Ma hasn’t been in the home three weeks. Interestingly he rarely spoke like this during the two and a half years she was with us. But now he says that he despises himself for not having left me. I am nothing but a house maid. I am not a wife or a lover. I don’t take any interest in anything he does. He barely cares any more. I point out that he has been saying this every three months for the last twenty years. This now must be a battle with himself rather than with me. I no longer know what to say or do. I tell him I am sorry. I know it’s been a very hard time but that things are about to ease. We’re about to have more time together. This may be exactly why he’s complaining?

This blossomed out of his question of whom I was writing to. I didn’t want to say James because I know how much he hates me communicating with my family so I said nothing. He pressed me and I told him. I said that I found it difficult telling him.

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