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Day 106

Meds are off

I think an adjustment in the bipolar medication dosage is needed. This week has been great for my anxiety but awful for my depression. Most days I want to interact with nobody. In fact, I intentionally avoid all contact with humans now. Most days I want to sleep all day. Most days I don't see the point in being awake. It's not really boredom or sadness but more of a collapse of concern. Hopeless. A life on medication doesn't seem too positive to me.

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  • Otter Otter
    8 months ago

    I felt similar when my doctor put me on anti-depressants as a pre-teen and then switched me to anti-anxiety meds instead as a teen. Both medications made me feel "nothing." I didn't feel the sadness anymore, but I just didn't care... about anything. Even doing the things I loved with the people I loved left me feeling like I'd rather be home doing nothing.

    I was 15/16 when I knew I had to stop. My best friend of over a decade came to my house crying to tell me her mother had stage 4 cancer after her dad had just died of cancer the year before. I should have been there for her, but I couldn't muster up anything. No pain. No sadness. No empathy for my best friend or her mother who was like a second mom to me. After she left, I realized this stuff made me shitty at everything that is important in life. What's the point of living if you don't care about ANYTHING? I quit it all and life had a lot more colors again.

    I still deal with crippling anxiety and occasionally huge waves of depression out of nowhere, but I'm finding that a lot of it is caused by my maltreated hypothyroidism. My doctor says my labs are "normal," but, like many others with my condition, I'm still experiencing symptoms that fall on deaf ears. So, now I'm on a mission to balance the real root of my problems and request FULL thyroid labs on myself - rather than just the T4 labs done on me every year.

    Keep fighting the good fight! Nobody knows your body and mind better than you do, so if something is amiss, keep digging. Doctors are great at helping to find the imbalances, but it pays to do your own research as well. Find others who feel what you're feeling, and see what they're doing about it. It's always good to get a second (and third!) opinion from other doctors as well.

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  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    8 months ago

    This website is more helpful than most doctors or meds. I appreciate your comment. It's extremely helpful to know that I'm not alone on my feelings of "nothing". I honestly don't think I could muster up any empathy for anyone right now. I've been hyper-sensitive of everyone's feelings so much most of my life that there's obvious mental damage that seems irreversible. The mere thought that I no longer care is causing a little more depression than I usually have. On the other hand, the "screw them; nobody's ever helped me" attitude is definitely winning at the moment and even makes me smile. Can you believe that? Ignoring people and being anti-social now makes me smile. I think a part of me thinks "revenge" is in play, instead of a social withdrawal. I'm now in the mood 24/7 to act IDENTICAL to all people I've encountered and the way they've treated me, which is pretty darn awful and unconcerned. I even look away when a stranger is near me. I totally avoid humans altogether. I hate speaking with others right now. Their personal lives make my eyes roll when listening face to face.

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  • Bettedavis Bettedavis
    8 months ago

    I feel you
    Humans so complex
    The mind races to the summit
    Stay strong my friend

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