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Day 235

My Body Late at Night

So, tonight I tried masturbating, for like, the 5th time in my whole life.

I've always found it weird and cringy, I don't really know why. I've always thought it was because I'm so 'in my head' all day every day that I know it's not somebody else doing something to me. It's me. I can't pretend. I can't fantasize. I can't lie to myself, you know?

I'm in bed and horny, why not? I got out this little vibrator I've had for years but never used. I lay down and tried to work my way into it. I soon came to the realization that I can't sneak something into my body slowly like it's some kind of creature going to attack me while trying to stay calm. I had to think of it logically. It's just a vibrator. Just put it in and choose a setting, dammit. Stop being so weird.

Once I got over the, 'God is watching me, I'm going to hell' feelings my mother had installed into me at age 14, it was actually amazing.

My toes curled, my legs cramped, my back arched and I couldn't stop myself from moaning-out loud-with pleasure.

I'm pretty damn sure my mum heard me.

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