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Day 113

My relationship is failing due to my excessive anxiety/depression

I've never been calm, not sure I know how. My life has been nothing but anxiety and worry. Now, on the brink of my mental destruction, my partner has warned me that he may not stick around for this if I continue to stress.

I guess I need to get 12 cats soon and slowly die in my recliner chair while telling my make believe children their worthless pieces of lazy shit and have no respect for their parents. Where's that demanded respect today? I'll never experience respect, not in this world of toxic humans. But, everyone demanded it from me for 50 years.

Show Comments (2)

  • Otter Otter
    4 months ago

    SpreadZero, it sounds like you're facing a serious burnout from stress. Is it maybe time to get out for a while? A mini-vacation such as a camping trip or even just a weekend where you stay out of your home - visit coffee shops, museums, etc? I've had chronic anxiety since I was a child, and two years ago I had such a terrible attack that I couldn't be around anyone because I thought I'd scream. I just ran out of the house, hid in a rosebush where nobody could find me, and hyperventilated until I passed out. When I came to, Honeybun found me and took me out for a weekend - we literally just drove around and visited places where there may have been people, but where talking wasn't promoted: Libraries, museums, etc... we even just drove up and down the beach for a couple of hours with no talking. It really helps.

    Another thing, what's the state of your home? When I stress, my apartment tends to get cluttered and messy - which causes more stress: "Cluttered home = cluttered mind" and all that. You could try purifying your home of any unnecessary clutter. Home should be a place of peace/zen.

    Last thing I can recommend is a good massage. Most places offer introductory rates for new clients. The masseuses around me charge about $60 for an hour massage, but I'm sure it varies by location. Some healing hands, soothing smells, and mellow music could help you find your center again.

    Advice Rating:

  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    4 months ago

    Thank you. I agree completely. It's been so difficult with Bipolar symptoms because yesterday I was suicidal and this morning I'm singing in the car on the way to work. I think what may set it off the worst is witnessing before my very eyes most humans not having to make any of the contributions to life & respect for others that most of us older folk have had to "happily" accept the mental slavery demanded by our seniors. When I was 16 years old, I was working part-time for $3/hour flipping burgers, and I stayed at work until my supervisor told me I was finished. I didn't leave an hour early every single day. I never ever in my life have ever NOT PERFORMED. I provided amazing customer service working two jobs during full-time college up until I was almost 40 years old. I treated older people and elderly with nothing but respect up until recently. There's no more respect in the US. There's no more hard efforts. There's no more intellect. Every single person in the US only cares about the dollar in their pocket. NOTHING ELSE!

    Nobody cares because nobody has cared about the children of this country, EVER. I've been disrespected almost every single day since I was born. My parents and relatives insulted me as a child, pre-teen, teenager, adult, soldier, husband, partner, and now my career success offends everyone.

    I've been surrounded by garbage people most of my life, and I'm just now realizing it. It's sad when you get older and realize that 3/4 of your "circle" of people most of your life were absolutely toxic for you.

    You are absolutely right. I need to start treating MYSELF to those things in life that I have so eagerly volunteered to provide for everyone else except myself. It is time to spoil me. You're so right.

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