My seven truths. Truth Number One: I'm an emotional cripple
Today and retrospectively I will start a series of truths, as I call them, which I need to let out to make sense of my reality and my fantasies.
First truth, I am an emotional cripple. I lost my ability for intimacy from the age of 19, blow by blow. I chose toxic men and abusive relationships to be in.
I was in a long term relationship with a bipolar and manic depressive who would scare the shit out of me, tried to force force himself on me while asleep and was too emotionally unavailable to let me know about it until I left him.
My second choice was worst, I spent nearly 6 years with an abuser who would project his hatred and refusal of the fact that he was gay on me with all sort of verbal and psychological abuse. It took me 5 years to realise that this was never my fault.
Then an on off 10 year relationship with someone for whom I was never good enough to become anything other than his lover.
Now, I find it difficult to put myself out there as I feel fear of falling into old habits again...am I being self-destructive?