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Day 50

No one to talk to anymore

Today is the anniversary of our first date, our first kiss. Not only am I 100% sure he doesn’t know that because his memory of me is shot (assuming he’d be the sentimental type of it wasn’t), but I’m 99% sure he doesn’t give a shit.

I’m sad.

I’m not going to do anything about it. I’m not going to text him. He’s made it clear he’s done.

But I’m going to be sad.

The thing that gets me is that I can’t share that with any of my friends. They’re over it. They think I deserve better so I should just move on and shouldn’t care. They don’t get that to get past the pain and anger I have to actually feel it. If I hold it in and ignore it it will stay with me forevermore. The only person who gets that is my therapist.

Not being able to share your pain with the people who you rely on makes it all the harder. It makes the loneliness that much worse.

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  • Otter Otter
    4 months ago

    I can understand that. I’m the same way - if I don’t allow myself to feel the pain, it festers. Just, please, don’t let it hold you down (and back) for too long. Don’t tell yourself that you’ll just let it hurt and feel it all until “it passes” and doesn’t hurt anymore - because it won’t go away, not when you allow yourself to dwell for too long.

    I won’t say that I fully understand, because nobody can. Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone heals differently. However, I can express that I went through heartbreak as well. The guy made me feel like I was the center of his world, and I felt like I actually mattered, that he “got” me. And then, out of the blue, I get a call. He found someone else and felt something for her. Wanted to see where it took him. He broke up with me in 3 minutes over the phone like it was nothing. I had so many questions: Did he ever really feel something for me? Did I not matter as much as I thought I did? But I’d never get answers.

    I sunk, I allowed myself to cry, to feel every iota of pain I could dig up. I allowed my mind to turn into a mess of “Maybe he’ll come back”, “Maybe he’ll wake up and realize I’m the one,” “Maybe I wasn’t special after all,” and much more.

    Then one day I wanted to feel something else. Anything else. I wasn’t ready to let go of the sadness, but I knew if I didn’t, it’d consume me. I already saw it affecting my friendships and relationship with the rest of the world. I decided to do something crazy, so I saved up for my first skydive. Just the act of focusing on my goal helped me to heal. It took time though, and my mind drifted back sometimes, but I always yanked it away and verbally told the thoughts “No. F*&k off.”

    Yes, we should allow ourselves to feel pain, but don’t just “ride it out,” because that ride is infinite. Hear it out for a moment, acknowledge it, and then kindly tell it to gtfo.

    Take those reins and tell Life: “Look, bitch. I control this story, and I’m saying it’s time for the next chapter.” It’s not easy, and only you can decide when it’s time. Find whatever it is that makes you feel strong. Feel powerful. Feel like a badass. In the meantime, we’re all here to listen.

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  • miranda_b miranda_b
    4 months ago

    Thank you so much Otter

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    4 months ago

    So isn't that why I came to Pencourage? To air my hurt and my grief, which came about after two breakups.... and also the death of my sister, and other frustrations. I'm glad you're able to share with us and I hope it helps....

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  • miranda_b miranda_b
    4 months ago

    Yes, it’s why I’m here too and I appreciate your feedback and support. It helps a lot!

    Kinda rough when your friends absolutely never say “how are you?” anymore because they don’t want to hear about it.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    4 months ago

    Yeah, that's fucked up. Maybe time to make some new friends....

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