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Day 610

No... please... no

Last night I had forgotten to give her her alarm clock. I knocked, intending to just put it on her bedside table and leave. She called me into the bathroom where she was on the loo. Could I change the toilet roll? She found it too difficult to do herself. There was shit in the loo, soiled paper on the floor, she was wiping herself. As I changed the roll I told her she shouldn’t make me do that while her shit was in the loo. She wants me to take an intimate part in her life. She needs that physical closeness. But I don’t want that. Not at all. I’m not having that. As I left I saw her wiping herself. She behaves increasingly like a child needing her mother. It’s not a role I’m prepared to play.

Often she says she doesn’t feel right and she doesn’t look right. Her eyes are vacant, but that could be the artificial lenses that were put in to replace her cataracts. Today I took her for a walk. She appears in pain and she says she is, but she is overwhelmingly exhausted, more than in pain.

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