Once again on the brink
Had another whipping from Beloved, metaphorically speaking. I deserve it. I understand him. He’s very angry. He says I make him feel ridiculous and incompetent. He’s right. I do undermine and criticise him. I understand his impatience with me and I don’t blame him. He did make the point that he blamed me. He wants to get out of this marriage now. Decided as we drove along. It feels spontaneous but it isn’t. As he says, it’s a build up of unhappiness over years. I feel stunned, shell shocked, sorry for myself and everyone. It is a catastrophe and one I have brought on myself. He wants to split everything 50 50.
He’s said this many times before. All the other times he’s recanted within 24 hours. But he might not this time. I’m never sure. It always makes me feel hollow and terrible. And although I know he is unhappy because he says so all the time it still feels as though it has come from nowhere. I have got so used to his grumbling, misery and anger. It’s part of him. Good for him to want to get rid of all that. A positive move for him.