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Day 333

Open all communication

Husband told me this morning pretty much what I told him a little while ago - I'm struggling, I don't like myself, I'm having a hard time communicating that to you.

I honestly didn't really see a change in his behaviour, so it makes me wonder if I was coming off as awful as I thought I was. He has been quieter. I need to remember that is his signal for when I need to watch him closest. When he's quiet I need to ask him more frequently if he's okay and give him a few extra hugs.

I'm still struggling with feelings of self loathing and all round vileness. I never thought having a child would do this to me. I think it's the whole thing of being there for a tiny human being - I'm all he's got and I'm pretty shitty.

Except I'm not, and he doesn't think that at all. And I need to stop thinking that too. I am what he needs. I am his mam - his comfort, his food, his carer. He is a happy little thing, always smiling and gurgling away. I am currently doing something so right, it's wonderful.

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