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Day 270

Out of the blue and into the black

I don't know how to explain exactly how I knew.

Instinct?
Foresight?
Women's intuition?

I really don't know how I could put this feeling into words, but since late last night when a storm was raging and thunder was waking me up from nightmares, I knew that today I would cry.

This is the first time in 2 months that I've felt truly depressed. I feel that pit, the hard, sinking stone in the bottom of my chest. Down, down, down.

Breath comes so slowly, and only my body's reflexes keeps me breathing, I guess because part of me doesn't want to right now.

I feel hated. I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel very lost.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this either. Sam is gone. Sophie is in Australia. Nobody else would understand or listen or care. This why I have a journal.

I don't know what to do with myself.

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