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Day 684

Panic

I have a rising sense of panic about Ma which I am constantly trying to quell. I feel utterly suffocated by her. To the point that I don’t like her at times. Because I find this hard to admit I’m not sure how much of the time; maybe most? I just wish she wasn’t here, but not dead, being looked after by someone else who could make her happy. I can’t. She drags me down. She makes me feel terrible: guilty, inadequate, selfish. I am. I know, but if someone else could take this burden from me I’d be grateful. I’ve had enough.

I had a very honest chat with her on Wednesday night. She was upset I wasn’t watching a documentary with her that we had already seen but she had forgotten. I explained that I didn’t want to watch TV every night. That I have to lead my own life. That she makes me feel extremely guilty for wanting this. That I feel overwhelmed by her. I told her that I am afraid to leave her in the company of anyone for even five minutes because I know how terrible it is. She is so sad and negative.

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