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Day 755

The bullying instinct

The bullying instinct lies deep within me and I am increasingly aware of it. Dad used to make fun of anyone with a disability. It was an automatic reaction of his to mimic the unfortunate. He had no patience or care for anyone who did not come up to par. Anyone who wasn’t interesting, able or who didn’t have back bone he would find them almost impossible to tolerate; along with anyone who disagreed with him.

I have got that instinctive reaction to people less able than me. I also want to make fun of them and sneer. So often I feel it inside me, wanting to mimic Ma when she can’t speak, walk or eat. I don’t, but it is in me. Cruel, nasty, shitty. And then in the writing group on Thursday the guy sitting next to me read out his ridiculous ‘story’. I crinkled my nose. I couldn’t bring myself to say any words of encouragement when he finished. It was so utterly boring and stupid, but the others all cooed appreciation and support. I thought, ‘But it’s total crap. Doesn’t anyone else see this?' But writing gives him enormous pleasure and that's the point.

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