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Day 743

The end postponed

This morning Beloved agreed that Ma could stay until the start of July 2021. I asked him in tears. That is until Apple leaves school. I was immensely grateful to him. Immensely. It is so much better for Ma. And from that date I know she will start to hate me so it is better for me too. I noticed that she has been stockpiling her anti depressants which she was supposed to be taking every night. I found them all in a lid, about 50 of them. She says she wants to sleep forever. She never uses the word die. I told her that they were no good as a way out because they would only do her harm. I asked if she regretted having the operation and she said not at all. She didn’t appear to link it with prolonging her life, although it was made very clear to her. She said she was more comfortable now she could breath. But she said that life was still very difficult. It remained difficult to move, even to just be awake.

Beloved thinks James’ plan to build her a home in his garden is a dream. It won’t happen.

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