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Day 788

Thinking of death

Ma said she wanted to die this morning. I told her it was too late; that I didn’t think she wanted to die, she was just having difficulty putting her tights on. I was hard on her. Five minutes in I asked her if she ever thought of her mother who had been in a nursing home, or her sister who has been in a nursing home for four years? How did they cope? Why did she never talk about her feelings with her sister, why didn’t they discuss death, age, the home, life when they spoke to each other? They only ever speak for about 5 minutes when I suggest it. Did she have any idea how her mother coped in a home? Ma herself didn’t look after her children let alone her mother. I was cruel and angry. I told her that if I ever made it into my 80s I’d think of her and I’d miss her. Maybe we could have been a comfort to each other, helped each other out. She needs to speak to others her age and share how she feels with them, get tips from them. I was crying, really crying.

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