Those in my life
N (Buddy's son) was staying for the weekend. He is easy. He just wants to be on his own in his room and have plenty to eat. Yet there is a sense of relief when he leaves. I am responsible for him. I feel his loneliness and it must be strange for him here, getting to know us at 18. Peachy and Apple are spiky, difficult teenagers. Not easy for N who is quiet and gentle.
Whenever I speak to Ma she tells me how well she is looked after. I wonder if she is saying it because she knows that is what she must think in order to stay there and so she is telling herself as much as me. She tells me she is glad to hear my voice. She never calls me. I call twice a day.
Beloved said this morning, ‘It is life’s consolation to feel you hot and wet.’ I am grateful. I am sorry I don’t feel the same. It’s different for men and women I tell him. He said, ‘You weren’t always like this.’ ‘But most women when they have have been married 25 years are like me.’ I am graceless.