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Day 785

Thoughts and emotions

My brothers: I hate them but when I see them, I like them. I’m charmed for the hours we meet. The days in between I try not to think of them. I often think that when Ma dies I’ll happily never see them again. I will be free. And yet, I can’t let go. In my best moments I don’t want to.

James and I are probably equally disappointed by each other. We hate each other equally. When he sees me he remembers the past. That’s partly why he hates me. And I am his conscience. I make him feel bad. I won't let him forget Ma.

And Ma? I love her. But this long stay could go on for many more years. Far too long. Will I regret this move forever? Yes, sometimes. But I don't want to go on like this. Far too full of resentment, irritation, impatience, anger, grief.

How will I manage with Beloved? We must make life good together. The children are getting older. Our time is now.

Owl is frustrated with himself. His eyes are on the stars, still full of hope and impatience. He is scared and very brave.

Sunny is most happy when he’s pumped up.

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