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Day 150

What is going on with me?

The morning after the guys went out, Honeybun and I woke up at dawn to start breakfast. Bear was snoring peacefully on the couch, and we'd giggle every time he'd let out a particularly loud snore. We threw together a spread of bacon, fried eggs, toast, condiments, and a big pot of coffee. Finally Bear began to stir, and we all ate together. I knew they planned to hang out all day, so I left after breakfast to go to my parents and came back around 6 PM. The guys had gone to Bear's apartment to hang out, and I didn't know when they'd be back. I don't know what happened - but sometime during my drive home from my parents I started to feel bothered. Anxiety and depression hit me like a rock to the head out of nowhere. I got too anxious and was short with Honeybun over text. He refused to answer his phone, which doubled the depression/anxiety. He was understandably pissed at me when he got home last night, telling me he can't handle his brother and I at the same time. He couldn't focus on Bear like he needed to. I need to calm down.

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  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    3 weeks ago

    Is there a band or a type of music that helps you? I remember when I was deep in my cancer funk (from all the fucked up things happening to my body) I would turn on the album "There Goes Rhhymin' Simon" which I first bought when I was 13 years old.. it always transports me back to a simpler time and it made me feel calm and even a little bit hopeful....

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  • Otter Otter
    3 weeks ago

    I generally gravitate toward rock, since that's what I grew up with (Love me some Led Zeppelin), but when I'm stressed or overly-excited I'll resort to full-out blasting cheesy as hell music from the 90s-2000s: Backstreet Boys, Eminem, NSync, and other cringe-y things from my teens that I find hilarious and still know all the words to 20 years later. It helps to distract, since my brain switches to "Let's sing this as loudly and obnoxiously as possible!" mode. When I feel an attack coming, I resort to this and meditation. But sometimes it just comes out of nowhere, and all of my muscles tense up to the point I feel like I'll explode. It'll leave me near-paralyzed or pacing the room like a trapped animal sometimes. I've recently discovered that popping a magnesium pill helps with this - it makes my muscles relax, and then my brain can relax. I think I'll start taking one every evening. Maybe I have a deficiency...

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