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Day 48

Where do you draw the line?

In the beginning he was reluctant to let me in, he said he has run off every woman he’d ever cared about, that he was trying to figure out how he became displeasing over time. He said he was holding me at arms length to protect me.

I sometimes wonder if the challenge of his walls was part of the appeal.

Now a part of me wants to be the one he couldn’t drive off. Like he’s subconsciously being difficult to fulfill his own prophesy. I feel this urge to be the one who was strong enough to prove to him he is loved, the one who loves him enough to not give up.

But I don’t know how much of his behavior is that and how much is his scrambled brain. Is he being a jerk to prove himself right or because he’s just a jerk?

How much meanness can I put up with to teach him he’s enough? Is not giving up part of loving? Is he even worthy of my love? Was he ever?

I could be totally wrong and just so offended by rejection I’m justifying his behavior and my reluctance to leave, my refusal to fail.

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