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Day 96

Memories haunt me

My FB memories today were a punch in the gut.

It’s one year since my last trip to visit the ex at the rehab hospital. It’s one year since the day he suggested I post pictures because it was time we went public. Seeing how happy I was gives me very mixed feelings.

Yes, I was as happy as I’ve probably ever been, I felt loved and whole. It’s nice to remember how that felt and know that I’m capable of loving someone that deeply.

But it is so painful also because I now know it was all a lie. He told me to post the pics because he was trying to make me happy in the aftermath of finding out his ex had visited. She didn’t just visit. She had gotten pics (either by timer or taken by his mother) of them, her curled up in his lap in his wheelchair. She had made that pic the lock screen on his phone so I’d be sure to see it. She knew I was coming soon.

That weekend was what I thought was the start of the rest of our lives but was actually the start of the end.

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