Survivor Guilt & "Celebrating" a birthday....
I see my therapist once a month, which I have been doing for the past few years. My life was rough and tumble for a long time, which meant weekly sessions, then it tapered to every other week, and now every 4 weeks.
Today we talked about how I'm getting on with the cancer treatment (okay, except for the hot flashes, which keep me awake at night...), the family "vacation."
And then it ended with my birthday.
I explained how I'm a few weeks away from turning 60, and I feel like I can't celebrate. I shared how I just can't feel any joy for "surviving" to this age, when my sisters or my mother did. My father was the last one to make it to 60, and that was 40 years ago, back when I was a much younger soul.
So it's 26 days away, and as it gets closer, the sadness increases. Why am I the only survivor in this family? Why am I the only one who carries all the memories of who we were, what occurred during these years (which were pretty ordinary), the love, the anodyne existence we shared.
And where is it now? Only in my memory.