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Day 593

Don't Cheer Me Up: Please let me be sad.

I made a plan for my birthday:

I'll take the day off work, rent a car and drive out to the cemetery to see my family: my mother, father and both my sisters are buried there, as well as my grandparents.

After some prayers and tears, I'll drive to a nearby beach and walk along the shore. If it's warm enough, I'll take off my shoes, roll up my pants and let my feet get wet.

I'll then find some joint and eat some fried chicken.

I'll return the car, go home, light some candles and maybe cry some more, go to sleep.

Of course, I have to begin my day with radiation therapy for the cancer.

I tell OldGF about my plans, and she asks how I can be so sad when I've got things so good: great kids, nice career, loving friends. I know she means well, but I don't want to hear it. I know what I've got. But it's what I don't have that makes me sad.

I just want to own my sadness for now. I don't want to be cheered up, nor reminders of what's good in my life. I just want to be sad.

Please, allow me this.

Be sad.

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