1 Photo

Prev Next

Day 324

Start dancing, and I'll blow your brains out

I once wrote in this journal, "This might be the last and final place I feel safe enough to express my thoughts, no matter what they are, with no judgement."

It turns out, that wasn't true, since about October 2019. Luke found this place and read my entries long ago, he only decided to tell me today for some reason.

It wasn't bad enough that he read my physical journal, and I was only just getting used to writing in it again, and now I feel like this place isn't safe any more either.

It's not even like I write about bad stuff on here, I just like having a little place all my own, if that's okay?Writing makes me feel on edge again now.

But it's not okay, and it hasn't existed in a while. I cried today, not nearly as much as I felt like I needed to. Now, I need to try and decide whether I will ever write again, or if I will just give it up; is there even a way I can write without a safe space I can experiment and express myself in?

Luke promised he won't ever read my journals again, but... I don't know, truly.

Hide Comments (4)

  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    3 months ago

    The same thing happened to me; Charmante read my journal here about a year after we got together. She never forgave me, even though I said so many wonderful, loving things about her. She thought there were thousands of people reading and felt humiliated. She also used my private musings against me over and over again. I apologized so many times, but she never forgave me: she kept on using this journal as a way to bludgeon me. There were other factors that tore us apart (her insane jealousy, her slavish devotion to her manipulative children), but finding and reading this journal did not help. I don't know what the future holds for you and Luke, but I will say there's a lot of hard work ahead of both of you if you want to go into the future together.

    Advice Rating:

  • Savannah Bear Savannah Bear
    3 months ago

    I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing. Luke hasn't used what's in my journals against me too much recently, although he used to a fair bit. We've tried staying with a clean slate. Trying to be adult about this so who knows?

    Advice Rating:

  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    3 months ago

    It's going to be really hard - you can't "unread" someone's private thoughts. There were many other things which pulled Charmante and I apart, and perhaps it was a judge of her character that she couldn't resist using it to make me feel shame. I should have drawn a line, and split with her sooner when it was clear that she couldn't separate herself from it. Even after we broke up, she went back and nailed me....

    Advice Rating:

  • Savannah Bear Savannah Bear
    3 months ago

    What the heck... It sounds like a good thing that you two did eventually split. I'm not sure the same thing would happen with Luke and I (hopefully) because he hasn't used it to shame me. We've moved on with a clean slate and things have been really good

    Advice Rating:

You need to be registered or signed in to post a comment

Register

Welcome to Pencourage.

|

Dismiss Notification

Back To Top