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Day 330

I was an ungrateful shit, part 1

There was a time when I felt like Luke was controlling and suffocating. I felt trapped and I felt like I was being forced downwards by my circumstances.

We were both in bad states, both of us, and we weren't good for each other at that point. We ended up apart and I was manipulated by a guy who had been after me for years. He saw I was vulnerable and he took his shot.

I was dragged into something I didn't want, but I wasn't innocent. I used this guy to replace Luke. I wanted this guy to be just like him, but not get close enough that I'd actually have to be with him, because I didn't want him. I wanted Luke.

I was so mixed up then. I could've just worked on my shit with Luke, but I didn't feel worthy. I felt like a piece of shit that didn't deserve and never deserved his love.

I was SO MIXED UP. I can't stress it enough. My life was in this weird haze where nothing made sense and nothing felt like it mattered. I could do whatever I wanted because I'd screwed up my life beyond repair at that point.


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