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Day 354

Finally, I am deleting you

I have so much time on my hands,Luke suggested I go through my Google photos; when it shows me a memory, often it'll have Chris in it.

So I'm going through the photos and deleting them. It's the strangest thing but, it's hard. Some memories look happy, and they're over, way over, and yet it feels as if deleting the photo will delete the memory.

Like, most of what Chris and I was such a heart-aching sh-t show, so seeing a smile on both of our faces is kind of nice.

On the other hand, sometimes I look at Chris's smile and I wonder if it was even for me. I wonder what he was thinking, 'Heh, she has no idea about me asking for boob photos from the girl I work with so I can see her nipple piercings'
'She has no idea about jess LOL'
'Man, I am getting laid left and right and nobody's the wiser'
'I bet she'd flip if she knew how much my little cousin hooks me up with girls'
'Hah, she'll never find out about the hot tub thing Owen fixed up'
'I could totally do this forever'

I'm crying as I type this. I wish I'd protected my heart better.

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  • runcicle runcicle
    9 days ago

    I think that:

    Love does not hedge itself with barriers.

    It's what we're here to learn.

    Advice Rating:

  • Savannah Bear Savannah Bear
    9 days ago

    Runcircle, can you please expand on that? I've felt like all that happened ended up being traumatic, as it still bothers me to this day. Sometimes I dream about it. I still cry about it, so many years later. It still hurts. I fear it always will

    Advice Rating:

  • runcicle runcicle
    9 days ago

    I'll firstly expand the aphorism.

    If, when in love, you're continually thinking that 'I had better not give so much of myself in case I get hurt (again?); in case he doesn't really love me and I'm just making a fool of myself', and you therefore restrict your total involvement in the relationship to protect yourself, then that creates barriers to fulfilment and hence cannot be love.

    You appear to regret being so deeply committed with Chris? It's not commitment that is to be regretted but lack of commitment, so perhaps there's something else that you regret that you're not allowing yourself to admit. Or perhaps you think that you have to distance yourself from a previous relationship otherwise you are being disloyal to Luke?

    I've always found that being grateful is a good way in to an expansiveness of thought. Being grateful is only right when one is feeling ok as a result of circumstances being ok. But it also leads in a good direction when one is not so ok.

    Being grateful is passive, so be active and give thanks for your relationship with Chris and what you have learned from it; thank him (in your thoughts); then give thanks for your relationship with Luke. And tell him. We don't usually do enough of that.

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  • Savannah Bear Savannah Bear
    8 days ago

    It's strange, but Luke is the first person since Chris that I've actually felt safe with. We went through some dark stuff in the beginning of us getting together but we are stronger than ever because of it. I feel safe with him, and it's been a long time since I've felt that with a partner.

    I regret a lot of things with Chris. I regret not following my instincts when I felt something was wrong. I regret letting him back into my life so many times, but we had this fate, you know? Always one running into the other and if it wasn't that, we would see people who looked like the other. He was on my mind a lot over the years. Lots of regrets. Lots of wishing.

    It's funny because in those few gaps in between the regret and rue and uncertainty, I am grateful to him. I don't just write things off any more and, if I wanted to, I now have the skills to do a full check on someone better than the FBI could! That's all thanks to Chris, and it makes me feel safer, knowing that. I haven't had the need to do any of that with Luke. He just is. I tell him how much he means to me most every day. Either in little notes I stash in the lunch I make for him or underneath his PC mouse, or the way we wake up next to each other and snuggle even closer. Or at night just before I go to sleep.

    After being in a hellish relationship, I guess I couldn't be more grateful to be in this one, where it feels like someone really loves me and cares about me.

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