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Day 356

Days when I only want to see black

Some days I'm terrified of death, what with all that is going on, maybe I could end up dead.

Other days it doesn't phase me, just like when I was planning to take my life. It was this time last year, is that a coincidence?

Some days, days like this, I think about what I would miss if I died.
Sleeping in the sun
Buttered toast
Looking at flowers
Cloud watching
Crochet
My mum and dad and Nana
My dog
Laughing
Hugging
Kissing
Star gazing
Swimming
Riding my bike
Jelly
Ice cream
Strawberries
Bananas
Avocado
Pizza
Walnuts
Iced zoo biscuits

But with all that in mind, I still wouldn't mind dying, right now. I'm a burden to everyone in my life, I have nothing to give. I don't have a path I can see any more.

So what if it's disrespectful? So what if it's not mindful? So what?!

Don't have a go at me for not seeing the bigger picture - I'm not DESIGNED to see the bigger picture. My brain literally CAN'T.

What else am I supposed to do?
I'm just confused and scared and lost and alone.
I am trying so hard to stay strong and look on the bright side and keep smiling and be normal and live but it's so hard on days like this. Days when I only want to see black.

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