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Day 227

Dear Chris,

My hands are shaking, my knees are weak, my heart is pounding and my lungs are burning. So cliche and so apt at describing this internal terror I'm battling. My eyes are blurry and my vision is tweaked. Nothing and everything about me is numb.

I'm being manipulated and I know it. And I'm terrified.

I've survived so much. I survived that emo/goth bastard the abused me and my dog. I survived all his abuse and only pushed back when he actually hurt Chip. That's where I drew the line. I've covered all scars, I started eating again, I got back into yoga, I made some plans to travel. I'm terrified and I love it because I know I'm moving forward.

I know Sonny isn't coming with me. I wish you were. All of this terrifies me because I'll be on my own, but I won't be manipulated any more. He can't keep messing with my head and making me sick. It makes me so sick and I slip down a notch. I can't keep moving down...

I am so ready for this. I just need to jump. I fear this leap will be the one that finally tears those dreams of you away.

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