I've been diving deeper into therapy. I've been trying to figure out what I can do to try and trust more. Let people in more.
I know that before 2015, I was an open book in every sense and I let people in. I let people know me and be with me and around me. I was so blindly trusting, like a dog.
I know I was like that back then, but I don't remember what that felt like. I don't remember the atmosphere any more. It's as if it never existed, but I know it did.
I've been figuring out a lot about why I don't trust people which I believe is the root of the problem. I mean, I didn't just stop trusting people and build my walls overnight for no reason.
It started with my world being lit on fire. It began with my heart being shredded to nothing. I have been sitting in the embers and ash ever since, trying to understand why. Why?!
I still crave love. I still crave friendship. I crave companionship. I crave it all but I'm terrified. I've wrapped myself in thorns out of fear, yet I wish I wasn't lonely. It's such an oxymoronic situation.