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Day 237

Dear Grandad,

I've been diving deeper into therapy. I've been trying to figure out what I can do to try and trust more. Let people in more.

I know that before 2015, I was an open book in every sense and I let people in. I let people know me and be with me and around me. I was so blindly trusting, like a dog.

I know I was like that back then, but I don't remember what that felt like. I don't remember the atmosphere any more. It's as if it never existed, but I know it did.

I've been figuring out a lot about why I don't trust people which I believe is the root of the problem. I mean, I didn't just stop trusting people and build my walls overnight for no reason.

It started with my world being lit on fire. It began with my heart being shredded to nothing. I have been sitting in the embers and ash ever since, trying to understand why. Why?!

I still crave love. I still crave friendship. I crave companionship. I crave it all but I'm terrified. I've wrapped myself in thorns out of fear, yet I wish I wasn't lonely. It's such an oxymoronic situation.

Hide Comments (3)

  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    13 days ago

    Sounds similar to how I feel. I can completely relate. You're probably an extremely kind lovable patient person who has been used to death and stabbed in the back too many times just like me. I lost my mind about 5+ years ago and haven't recovered since. Almost all of it caused by how others treated me. I have stopped communicating with ALL BLOOD FAMILY because they're ignorant racists who have no compassion for the LGBTQ Community like much of the US right now.

    Honestly, sounds like we both just REFUSE to be treated poorly ever again.

    Keep your chin up, this "temporary loneliness" is worth not having yourself surrounded by toxic people. Have an affair with your hobbies. Pottery class, dog training, aerobics or cycle class at the gym, painting, dancing, jogging, or even sitting in the library reading.

    You will meet your soulmate while enjoying your hobbies. I promise :) xo Much love to you

    Advice Rating:

  • Savannah Bear Savannah Bear
    12 days ago

    SpreadZero, I really appreciate your words. I'm still coming to clarity on what's been going on, how my family have been treating me - discovering I'm not the cause of this atmosphere, these problems. I'm still coming to terms with how I was thinking in such a hysteric and depressive state some months ago that I would think about ending my life. Not suicidal, I would just wonder if it would be better. Just considering my options, if it looked like life wouldn't get better again.

    I felt like I had lost my mind, that's exactly how it felt. I felt pure insanity and I was becoming hysteric, only leading to more abusive behaviour from my family and more gaslighting. It felt like I had completely lost my grip on reality. I was confused and terrified that one day I would just snap and that would be the end of my story.

    You describe it perfectly, I'm sorry you've gone through the same, probably worse. You depict it so well, my self care does feel like an affair, but the goodness coming from those hobbies feels so good. Ecstasy when I'm finally left to it. I honestly wish I had been able to speak to you months ago when I was falling - maybe I would've come to clarity sooner. You're such a light. Keep doing what you're doing xo

    Advice Rating:

  • SpreadZero SpreadZero
    12 days ago

    It helps me to "convince" myself that these people (family) were randomly or scientifically selected for my birth. "We cannot choose our family" is correct. But, if harmful, we are allowed to choose not to participate or even communicate with them. Most of my family had to go, seriously. I want nothing to do with them. It's super sad.

    But here's the best advice that I've ever been given: "If anyone in your family treats you worse than a co-worker would, question why you would allow (or enable) them to treat you like that.

    I've cried inside for years about not having a normal family. So, I left all of them and created my own non-blood family. And, they love me unconditionally, like it should be.

    Much love to you #TGIF :) Your hobbies are waiting for you xo

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