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Day 9

Falling back into habit

I have this bad habit of spending as much of my free time with my partners as I physically can. Usually it leads to me feeling like I have no downtime, no time for me.

Recognising again that these patterns are repeating with my best-friend-boyfriend. When he's working, I'm working. When he's home, we're usually on Skype until it's time for bed.
Although unlike the EX-fiance, he doesn't expect or ask me to keep skype on all night.

So I find myself walking down old paths, using it as a crutch to fill the empty silence. But unlike those before, I feel at peace with it. Maybe I'm living for those ever-so-brief moments where I can actually feel something? For those snapshots of emotion that I'm usually not blessed with.

The bi-polar has stabilised for now, I'm waiting for the next swing towards mania. Enjoying the moment before it all falls apart

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  • runcicle runcicle
    9 months ago

    This is more than a habit, more than a bad habit, more than a crutch; it's an addiction fueled by fear.

    Feeling at peace with an addiction is not the way to defeat it; only facing the cause will do that. but I don't know the cause of that fear and, I suspect, neither do you.

    Engaging in other activities (I suspect you have none) will start you in the direction of finding that cause, but you are afraid of doing that. But you can either spend the next thirty years wondering why nothing's happening or you can join the local boxing/swimming/bird-watching/stamp-collecting/choir/women's institute/painting/library/labour/liberal/conservative/knitting club now - even if you don't want to (it takes courage).

    The moments you want do not just happen - they are created.

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  • My little secret My little secret
    9 months ago

    I suppose you are right - fear of being alone, of being forgotten... is something I have always struggled with. The fear that if I am not present in that moment with them, they shall forget about me and I'll be nothing.

    He has a new job now. Our time together even more brief. I suppose I will have to re-balance my life and assess things with new eyes,
    thank you x

  • runcicle runcicle
    9 months ago

    It's fear that keeps you supposing. Supposing is not an activity and neither is assessing.

    Only activity is an activity.

    Stop supposing; stop assessing.

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