I woke to thoughts of Ma. Had tears in my eyes as I thought of her while we ###### before getting up. Putting her in a home feels like burying her alive. The fear that this will go on for another 10 years makes me equally despair. She is unravelling in front of my eyes. She didn’t get up until 1 this afternoon. She has accepted the hair clips I have given her like a little girl. At least they keep her hair out of her eyes and stop her having to use her sticky fingers to push it back.
She can barely walk or talk. Her words and thoughts are slurred. It is very hard to watch and I hate it. It is breaking my heart. I was even impatient with her tonight, wondering at how like an imbecile she is. Her hair a mess, she does not know what she is supposed to do, she slurps up her pills like an obedient child and asks me pitifully not to be angry with her. ‘No, I am not angry with you. It is not your fault, for sure, Ma.’ And I mean that now more than ever.