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Day 701

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Already I am feeling locked in, impatient, guilty. Ma said, ‘I thought you had had enough of me.’ I had been impatient for her to get to her room tonight. I hadn’t want to sit and watch TV this evening. ‘Don’t you want to be with me?’ she asked earlier. As I left her for the night she said, ‘I hope it won’t be too long now.’ I want to cry. And yet, for me, I know it would be easier; but I also know I would miss her and feel the loss terribly and I would feel more alone without her. No one needs me like she does. She gives me purpose and love. And yet she also makes me feel trapped and weighed down by the responsibility for her. Every day I know I should take her out. I know how dull her life is, how difficult. I am scared for myself and my own old age, should I get there. I must not live with my children. And yet, like Ma, I don’t want to go into a home.

Ma is very weak, she moves with immense slowness and finds it difficult to speak.

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