My inner critic has woken me up early this morning.
I've put on a political radio station in an attempt to distract myself, but I can't hear it over the inner dialogue.
When my nagging, narrow stream of ill-feeling towards myself began two days ago, I could still turn my attention away from it, distracted by news of ensuing political mayhem.
This stronger, polished 'not-good-enough', 'you'll-never-get-it', 'you are failing' rhetoric is throttling me. It always manifests first with a tightening in my throat, after which, eye contact with others becomes difficult.
I'd like to stay in today, but it isn't an option.
(That may be a good thing?).
I am now picturing myself through the eyes of others, judging.
Already today, distraction isn't working.
I'd like to pass this off as a response to the ongoing changes I am making in my life.
A dust-settling period, perhaps?
I am spending the day with my youngest son.
Hopefully, I'll get to grips with myself and cast these feelings aside.
I wanted to go swimming, but I know I won't make it today. It's too big a deal.
Instead, I shall prepare, dig myself out, then go tomorrow to the Women Only 7am session.