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Day 10

Pain behind the smile

I find it hard to put my emotions into words, written or spoken, always struggled with that.
I am unhappy, I hurt every day.
I have some real good things in my life, beautiful children, a job I love, a nice house, a hard working husband who is a good father.
But I am unhappy. Am I selfish?
There are people out there who would give their right arm for my plodding along life, people who are abused, starving, freezing...........
Today at work I was called 'the mother they never had', such a compliment, but I found it hard to mentally ingest.
I feel selfish and unworthy of compliments at the moment. Confidence is at an all time low.
My basic needs are met, but still I hurt and want more.....
I miss tenderness, being made to feel like I am the 'only one'.
I'm just Mum!
I have lost the real me and I really do not know where to find her.
Today was a hard day and even with the sunshine, compliment and cuddles from my children, I have found it hard to find the beauty in the day.

I must be selfish or greedy!
I want more!

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  • Anonymous Anonymous
    68 months ago

    I don't think you're selfish or greedy. It seems to me in this season of your life, you're searching for something but not sure what. Perhaps you could take some time off, like proper ME time or even talk to a counsellor. It may help to open up your mind then you'd know exactly what you're searching for. Stay focus and don't lose hope & heart.

  • :)isgood :)isgood
    68 months ago

    You're not at all selfish or greedy, you just feel something is missing. Yes, you're very lucky, but that doesn't mean you should disregard any feelings of unhappiness - you are entitled to feel bad sometimes! Maybe find something to keep yourself busy, or a project to really get into. But honestly, don't be so hard on yourself!!

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  • Beautiful Disaster Beautiful Disaster
    68 months ago

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  • Beautiful Disaster Beautiful Disaster
    68 months ago

    Hardly any women i know puts herself first, we have so many others to think about , our kids, our husbands or lovers and the rest of the family, we tend to be our last priority.

    If someone was to ask you , how you would describe your style, or what you would do with the week if you had no responsibilities what would you say? Would you even know the answer - would you still be busy thinking about the needs of everybody else rather than your own feelings. making sure they are set before you plan anything for yourself ?
    All to often we don't think about changing our own life until we are left with no choice. Maybe you need to start looking inwards at yourself and look to see if you are on the right track for you, if you discover you are not there is nothing wrong in changing that fact.

    Maybe you just need to give your head a shake . take a couple of hours once a week to clear out the closet and get rid of what isn't really you, clear out them clothes that no longer fit or that you cant stand. Make room for the who and what YOU want to be . You are special and you deserve to be as happy as the folk around you that you enable to feel that way ...When did you suddenly loose your importance .?

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  • Thank you for such lovely comments.
    I honestly do not know who me is, I don't know what I enjoy.
    Pureandsimple, my work place is surrounded with counsellors and I have the good fortune of a monthly supervision, so I do get to talk openly then and I have a few tasks in hand at present.
    Funnily enough Beautiful Disaster, I was recently asked to think of what activities I would really enjoy to do if given a week off from my life. I could not think of one thing! That scared me, how could I possibly not want to do something???
    :)isgood, you right about something being missing - Me! You are also right about allowing myself to feel the emotion rather than bottle it up. Which is why this site is so good. I wouldn't dream of putting this sort of comment on facebook/twitter etc..
    I actually cannot remember a time when I had any self importance. I know I'm important, because my family runs smoothly, I do good and rewarding tasks at work and I am the foundation for all of this to continue ticking over. But it's all for someone else.
    I'm beginning to feel like a moaning minne now, so think I will shut up :)
    All of your words have helped, and I have taken them in to play along side the task of finding who I really am.

    Thank you xx

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  • Beautiful Disaster Beautiful Disaster
    68 months ago

    Smiles.....You will get there sooner than you think you are already so aware of what you need so now you have to make it happen , its a win win are not a moaning Minnie far from , everyone is entitled to clear their mind and get things off their chest ...xx

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