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Day 75


There is a whole routine I follow. Sometimes when I really don't want to be sick, I tell myself to just start the routine, "no pressure, just see what happens". I am ridiculous. I knew full well that when I start I'm not going to back out. I go through with it every f*cking time.

I down a pint of water right after eating. I potter to the toilet, checking for empty cubicles when at work, lift the seat, clean the loo, tie my hair in a knot on the top of my head, move the ring on my right hand middle finger to my left, tie back (or take off) my top. Sometimes I am forced to remove my dress, to avoid (God help me) splashback, hunched over a toilet in high heels and underwear.

I place my hands either side of the toilet, bent from the waist. I stand like that for a bit, my head hanging limply, staring at my shoes, my thighs, the toilet, preparing myself for what comes next. I have to build myself up each time to start and every time to see it through.

Somehow it's worth it when it is over.

Riddle me that.

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