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Day 117

Prodding

I wish my parent's would stop trying to "gently" manipulate my thoughts to get me to break up with Honeybun.

He's been fighting a DUI charge for over 2 years now, and it will finally go to trial next week. They keep asking about his work (at a coffee shop) - How many hours is he working? What are his wages? When is he going to start college? What if he gets charged with the DUI? How will he afford it? He should get out there and "hit the pavement" for a "real" job.

I never answer the questions, because it's honestly not my place to tell them. They keep poking and prodding into our financial life, and it's a bit frustrating. They know very well I make much more money than him, and they always say I "shouldn't have to be the breadwinner. He should be the one taking care of you."

I remind them that's a shallow and sexist way of thinking, and that they raised me to be more independent than that. They don't see how much he does at home or how he makes me feel loved. They want me to be with someone with "drive" and "ambition."

Hide Comments (3)

  • Savannah Bear Savannah Bear
    14 days ago

    I can understand how parents want a child-in-law who takes care of, appreciated and loves their child, sure - but wanting him to specifically make more money than you, take care of you completely seems as you said, sexist and shallow. My mother never had a job, she always let my dad bring in all the money and take care of her and I... When they divorced, she had absolutely no job prospects, no experience, 33 years old with a child and no money either. It's a scary thing to depend on somebody too much.

    Be happy that you earn more than him, be proud! You can not only take care of someone else, but more than provide for yourself. That's something to be very proud of. Look at yourself from a third party perspective - not your parents', not with an agenda or harsh judgement, just look at yourself and your situation and think of how far you've come and how great you're doing.

    Don't take no shit, as my auntie would say! Parents don't know nearly as much and they'd like you to believe!

    Advice Rating:

  • runcicle runcicle
    14 days ago

    You're fed-up with their attitudes.

    But they're not going to change their attitudes (which they will find difficult to accept) without you changing yours (you feel that you have to put up with their attitudes).

    So you've got to not-put-up with their attitudes by saying 'I recognize that you are concerned for me, but my different attitudes have created a situation where I am very happy except with your continual criticism. Please stop or I will have to see you less frequently'.

    That will be difficult for you. It may cause a brief estrangement, but the alternative is to strain your relationship with Honeybun. Who's more important?

    Advice Rating:

  • RavDiablo RavDiablo
    13 days ago

    I'm a father and I'm pretty sure that you're somewhere in the age range of my children (21 and 35?) First, I apologize for their behavior: they truly mean well, but that doesn't mean they're right. Copy the poem below, print lots of copies on 3 x 5 cards and hand them one each time they start on this. Perhaps in time they'll get the message:

    On Children

    by Kahlil Gibran

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable.

    Advice Rating:

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